Team Canada settled on Martin St. Louis as an Olympic replacement for Steven Stamkos.
Team Canada got it wrong.
There were plenty of better options available, living or dead.
Following is a list of the Top 10:
10. ELISHA CUTHBERT: She’s married to Dion Phaneuf so there’s a chance she knows the game, she probably has better moves than Dion and she has to be more well-liked than Dion. And she looked pretty good in “24/7: The Road to the Winter Classic.”
9. ELVIS STOYKO: Although a figure skater, Stoyko would at least add authenticity to the “Elvis Has Left The Building” punctuation after the U.S. blasts Canada.
8. GILLES VILLENEUVE: He’s a race car driver but his name sounds suspiciously similar to former Rangers goaltender Gilles Villemure. This could create initial confusion among Canadia’s opponents.
7. ALEX TREBEK: Who else would you turn to with your country’s gold medal hopes in serious Jeopardy?
6. DOUG HENNING: It’s going to take an act of magic for this washed-up, has-been, wasteland-comprised-of-towns-named-after-animal-parts country to medal.
5. DUDLEY DO-RIGHT: He’s described by Wikipedia as “dim-witted but conscientious and cheerful.” In other words, he’d be a perfect fit in that Team Canada locker room.
4. RICH LITTLE: Maybe he could impersonate Wayne Gretzky.
3. DAN AYKRYOD: The U.S. struck gold in 1980 thanks in part to the collective efforts of Mark Pavelich, John “Bah” Harrington and Buzz Schneider, the “Conehead Line.” Perhaps Aykryod could be joined in Sochi by Jane Curtin and Chris Farley.
2. MICHAEL ONTKEAN: Ned Braden went to Princeton and was All-Eastern. “That’s what it said in the yearbook, Jim.” And as Johnny Upton so appropriately observed of Braden while contemplating life at the Chrysler plant, “He doesn’t have to rely on hockey.”
1. MICHAEL J. FOX: He has more moves than Mae West, and that’s just when he’s lined up at the blueline for another rousing rendition of “Oh, Canada.”